Baby Einstein Ain't So Smart.

FINALLY! Some validation from the mainstream media about at least one aspect of mine and Dean's rogue parenting choices. I don't need validation, no. But it sure does feel nice every so often.

A recent article in the New York Times, entitled "No Einstein In Your Crib? Get A Refund" confirms mine and Dean's rigid anti-t.v. stance for young children--DVD's and so-called educational t.v. programs do not and cannot educate children under the age of two. Essentially, the Walt Disney Company, Baby Einstein is a hoax. Electronic babysitter--yes, miracle teacher in a box--um . . . no. And, truly it takes no genius to figure that out.

Despite the fact that the American Association of Pediatrics recommends no tube time before the age of two, I cannot count how many times advice that touts the raving success of baby videos has been offered to us--and "it's educational!", they validate. When introducing children to the ol' box of brain junk at the tender age of 6 months, it's a no brainer why childhood obesity rates, early claims of attention deficit disorders and drop out rates are on the rise in the U.S.

Parents desperate for a moment of "me" time no doubt find relief in the distractability that television brings. I get that--I really do. But as I defended in an earlier post, the right choices in parenting are usually those with the most difficult follow-through. Finding other distractions for your children while you pee, brush your pearly whites or prepare dinner is possible--it's just harder, yes--as are the endless possibilities for finding teachable moments sans t.v. But it's doable, so very doable.

Being a parent is hard and being a really, really good parent is even harder. But I believe that we owe it to these little guys to offer them everything that this incredible world around us has to give: music, animals, art, nature and positive interaction with others all offer cheap and intriguing endless opportunities for distraction and education.

Doing The "Right" Thing Is Never Easy.

Baby knows best. Really. They are perhaps not scholars just yet, but they do know what they need better than any of us and well, we should listen to them. And, if we would listen they would probably say . . . that doing the "right" thing is never easy.

Like when you were a kid and were forced to apologize and admit error--it was the "right" thing to do, but it was so hard to say that you were wrong. Or, choosing to skip a party in order to study instead of cheating on a final exam in high school. Studying was hard work, but it was "right", right?

I've come to the conclusion, or even grand epiphany perhaps, that doing the "right" thing as a parent is also not the easier choice. I came to this conclusion after struggling once again following sleepless nights and clingy days with the attachment parenting philosophy that we have adopted as parents. The attachment parenting tenets are simple really and were so appealing to us initially because they essentially support the beliefs that we already held about parenting. To us, AP principles just seem like no-brainers: go to your child when he cries--he needs you, breastfeed your baby--it's food that's literally made for him, sleep with your child--because you are a parent at night too, use positive discipline to teach your child--negativity punishes, hold and wear your baby--it fosters bonding and security, etc.

Even rereading these as I type them, I find myself nodding in agreement--unable to imagine parenting any other way. But problems arise for this gentle parenting scenario not from any inherent flaws in a plan that seeks to parent gently and respectfully, but from other parents who have found an "easier" way. See, this kind of parenting requires a mom and dad who are fully committed to sacrificing much of their own needs for that of their baby's. In other words, it takes dedication and patience--a lot, a lot of patience--and a great deal of self-sacrifice.

I am specifically talking about the issue of nighttime sleeping. Fewer issues get as much airtime during playdates, mommy groups, or any other gathering of moms and babies--it's simply at the heart of every discussion. Exhausted, delirious and desperate mommies eagerly compare notes and exchange sleep tricks in search of something that will help them get more sleep. And, no matter how you try and spin it or how much you try to avoid the inevitable final conclusion, the sleep issue comes down to two dismal options: "sleep training" your baby, or not.

Sleep training methods vary greatly from one to another, but the one thing that they all have in common is that they all include some degree of crying. I have written before about my feelings as they pertain to "crying it out" and though that was many sleepless months ago, I still do have a problem with my baby crying--yes, I've said it, I do not let my baby cry without intervening in an effort to alleviate the cause whatever that cause may be. Why? Because I believe that my son is communicating with us when he is crying--I do not believe that babies cry just to cry, in other words. Sometime this communication may be asking for basic needs to be met and other times it may just be a way to ask for a hug, a cuddle, or a kiss. But, you see, one does not surpass the other in importance for me. My baby's need to be touched is just as importance as his need to be fed or changed. I will respond in either case and at any time. And that is where myself and my husband diverge from the parents who try to sell us the success of sleep training and tout the amount of sleep that it has brought them. But, at what cost, I want to ask them.

I believe family bed advocates when they claim that co-sleeping raises independent, confident and secure children--I also believe that leaving your baby to fend for them self during these times of nighttime need may produce children who are more dependent, anxious and insecure. I also know that these one or two or three years dealing with his sleeplessness as a baby is small in scale when compared to the number of years that we won't have to. I will be old and he will no longer by my baby--I will look back on these years with a tender heart yearning for the moments when I was able to hold him in my arms to return.

I do, however, from time to time grow weak--very weak. I do whine and fuss and complain about exhaustion and the need for a moment to myself. During these times I do momentarily wonder if we should not also "train" Noah to self soothe, to sleep alone, to quiet his need for love, comfort and affection just because it is the moon, not the sun, that has risen above the horizon. Those parents are convincing and proud. They're confident and I suppose, maybe even some look rested.

But, then I give it a second thought. I listen to my heart and am reminded of why I have chosen the more challenging path. When I grow weak and weary, I turn a listening ear to my instinct, my mama gut--and find that I know deep down in my heart that parenting this way, for me, is the "right" way to parent. And, like all things that are "right" it is most certainly the more difficult choice--it may continue to be for a while still to come. But . . . doing the "right" thing is never easy, right?

Midnight Mommying, Nightime Nuturing.

You don't cease being a parent just because the sun sets--so, why would you want to act like you do?

Parenting is a 24 hour job. Your child needs you during the daytime, so you go to him. Your child needs you at nighttime, so you go to him, right? You would think so, but there are more books out there on sleep training then I can shake a stick at and I think it's darn right scary.

I posted a heated rant on one of the most controversial of those sleep methods, Babywise, a few weeks ago and it sparked commenter debate mostly in my favor. But, still I feel unease at the quantity of literature, mothers and even complete strangers who try to convince me to practice crying it out methods.

This is why reading Danielle's post on Attachment Parenting's blog today called, "Adventures in Nighttime Parenting" really struck a chord with me. Choosing to be a mom who does not believe in crying it out, can be a isolating decision. And, hearing mom after mom tout their child's healthy independence as a result of their successful sleep training just doesn't sit well with me.

The needs of your child don't dissipate with the setting sun--they still may find themselves uncomfortable in a dirty or wet diaper, they still might have grumbling bellies, they possibly could be enduring pain from teething or experiencing moments of loneliness. Allowing a child to cry them self to sleep and throughout the night is essentially the equivalent to taking the night off as a parent. If you wouldn't let them cry for these reasons during the day, then why would you at night?

Danielle and the 12 commenters on her blog have given me the gift of confidence in the fact that I am not alone on those long dark nights of sleeplessness--those nights of constant nursing, fussing, fidgeting and waking. I find comfort in knowing that there are other mothers facing the same challenges at night as I am and responding in the same way--being there no matter what.

Some nights I feel desperate. Some days I feel exhausted. But, the most important thing for me to remember is that these first years are fleeting. Noah will one day, when he's ready, sleep on his own in his own way and on his own terms. I look forward to looking back at these long, weary, foggy nights of little sleep with no regrets. I find peace in knowing that my son never cried for me in the night when I did not appear--that when he reached for me I was there.

These moments in our dark moonlit room are special. Time briefly pauses long enough for me to watch him grow, feel his breath against my breast and know that he is comforted by my nearness.

My role of mommy continues even with the setting sun. And, with a little nighttime help from daddy, I know that I can make it, albeit sleepily, to see it set and rise again.

When Baby Advice Goes Wrong. Seriously Wrong.

This is going to be a long one folks.

Where have I been? Living under a rock? Well, yes, kind of--I have an infant--same thing. But, still . . . how have I not been following the controversy surrounding Babywise? Seriously.

I stumbled upon a post about it today on SortaCrunchy's blog. Trying to find out what all the fuss was about, I Googled it, of course, and was shocked (to say the least) by what I found.

The book's "Product Description" on Amazon refers to the concepts found in the book as "Infant Management". Infant management!? Seriously? What the hell is that? The word "managing" near the word "baby" sort of replaces the warm and fuzzies with an image of a cold and tinny dictator waving a bull whip near a nest of baby chicks.

It continues by stating that the book is "an alternative to sleepless nights and fussy babies." Isn't that what babies naturally do? Seriously. They can't talk. My friend Asami told me that in Japan they have a one word sentiment that means "babies cry at night" and that Japanese people often refer to the first year with baby by using this word. Why? Because that's what babies do. The first year of life is wrought with jarring and tumultuous change and crying is the only way that babies can express their concern, or worry, or angst, or pain, or hunger.

And don't think I don't know what it's like not to sleep. I have a seven month old insomniac who hasn't caught more than an hour or two at a time of shut eye since the day he was born. I know. I so know. But, I am mom. I will mother and nurture and care for and parent him until he is old enough to sleep through the night and explain his woes through language rather than tears at 3 a.m. Am I tired? Yes. But, sleepless nights and fussy babies are part and parcel to parenting. It's the contract you signed when you made the kid bargain.

I saved the best for last. The description also claims that the book's methods aim to free parents who are "enslaved to the infant's unknown needs". Okay, hold the freakin' diaper cream. Enslaved? Unknown needs? Seriously? I'd rather refer to it as feeding my baby who has not yet learned the skill of lifting fork to mouth. I'd rather refer to it as removing the poop from the butt crack of my child who has not yet learned to control his bowels. I know what he needs and I intend to give it to him.

Point in short--I have never seen more terrifying words in the same sentence as the word "baby". What are these people thinking? This "so called sleep training method" completely removes nurturing from mothering and mothering from parenting and parenting from raising a child.

The most shocking of all is the description of the book and it's author, Gary Ezzo, given on Christianity Today--which is uber interesting as the book, it seems, is most popular among Christians.

"A central element of Ezzo's plan in Babywise is feeding newborns on a firm schedule, controlled by parents, rather than "on-demand," whenever a newborn seems hungry. Ezzo says his parent-directed method is essential to develop respectful, obedient, and godly children. Yet many breast-feeding mothers report that they have been unable to produce an adequate milk supply when following the program according to Matthew Aney, a California pediatrician.

A major focus of Babywise is to get infants to sleep all night as soon as possible. But some pediatricians, when comparing newborns whose parents use Ezzo's guidelines to other infants, have noted a higher incidence of inadequate weight gain, dehydration, and failure to thrive. Critics also sharply question other Babywise emphases, such as introducing a form of spanking in children younger than 2 (CT, Nov. 13, 2000, p. 70)."

Before I burst a blood vessel, I am going to close with the comment that I left for SortaCrunchy in response to her post and her other reader's comments. You'll notice my very agreeable and restrained tone. I posted it before I researched "Babywise". Nevertheless, it still holds true and it is a lot more eloquent than the above enraged babbling. And someone, please tell me that I've got this all wrong. Please tell me that I have gravely misunderstood an otherwise innocuous guide that simply offers gentle suggestions for helping your baby sleep more soundly at night. Please tell me that people don't actually envision parenting this way. Please tell me.

"Other than reading the post and comments, I have no personal experience with Babywise. But I do know that as a new parent, we can all use a little guidance . . . knowing where to find it, however, isn't always easy.

My husband and I have discovered the joys of "Attachment Parenting". It, so far, has provided us with a guide for a gentle, natural and rewarding parenting style. It's a "philosophy" that really only puts in print what most mothers already inherently know . . . go to your baby when he needs you to be there, hold your baby when he wants to be held, soothe your baby when he needs to be soothed--love your baby when he wants to be loved.

I don't believe that the answers to parenting can be found in a book. Parenting is not black and white enough to put in print. Rigid rules and dogmatic directions sour the natural instinct that a mother has for caring for her baby.

Following instincts and receiving a little bit of guidance when that instinct clouds from time to time is our chosen path . . . and so far, so good."