Numero Dos: Sharing The Love.

As the date of the big move approaches and we shuffle from one generous friend's abode to another, this pregnancy, the little growing one all snug in my tummy, often seems to take a back seat (not in the back of our Volkswagen, but in the back of a very long bus)--which makes me a little sad. Aside from the slowly, and finally, dissipating constant nausea and fatigue, my little tummy buddy hasn't gotten much air time in any sense of the word over these last 13 weeks.

I can remember the last time I shared my body. It was a little over two years ago. From the day that joyous pink line appeared across the plastic pee stick, little Noah Finn was all that I could think about despite the fact that I was working everyday. I woke up and thought pregnancy, I peed (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I taught and thought pregnancy, I ate (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I slept (very little) and dreamed pregnancy. My growing abdomen was always on my mind.

This time is definitely different. Running after a bouncing, bounding, boisterous toddler while volleying between temporary living situations has certainly captivated the time that I don't spend eating and sleeping. The fact of the matter is that constant urges to snack and slumber aside, I often forget that I'm pregnant.

What does all of this mean? Is it normal? I am betting so. But it certainly does recall those initial pangs of subtle trepidation I first experienced when pregnancy test number two revealed yet again that solid pink line: sharing the love. How does a mama who has experienced everything about mommying--pregnancy, birth, mothering--with one child not feel guilt about sharing such sacredness with another? It feels almost like cheating on the first.

Melodramatic? Perhaps. But, these are real anxieties, that while slowly fading as the months tick away, remain present nonetheless.

So, how does a mommy share the love--that smothering, doting, gooey love that's gushed all over the first with the second and subsequent bundles of joy? Will my little Noah feel shortchanged and left out the decision making process--after all, he had no vote here!? Will he harbor feelings of abandonment and isolation, regress and insist on learning the alphabet Z thru A?

Think I'm being melodramatic, again? Perhaps. But these are tangible fears that I sometimes think about. That is, when I remember I'm pregnant anyway.


tracey said...

Joni! I loved this, and felt very much the same way when I was pregnant with my Wonder Boy number two... That is until he arrived... and even before I heard his first cry, all of those feelings were washed away. I promise. You are amazing. I'm so happy for you :)

j o n i said...

Tracey, mama, YOU are amazing! I have a thing or two to learn about parenting from you. You're the most amazing mom ever--your kids are supermen! xxoo

Anonymous said...

Joni, it sounds like you are feeling the exact feelings I have had over the last 8.5 months. I can remember feeling very guilty and in a way sad that my one on one time with Justin was going to be over...now we can not wait to meet our newest little boy (in about 5 weeks) and add to our family's love once again. Good Luck to you and your family.
ps. once your little one starts showing and moving you will start to remember you are pregnant again!

j o n i said...

Oh Paula, so sweet of you for saying! I am sure that you are right--I mean, mamas have been having number twos and threes and fours and more for ever and ever. It's just that initial change in familial state that's a shock and it sounds like I will overcome just as you have--and hopefully as well! ha!

I can't WAIT to receive news of your second...I will be on the lookout on Facebook! Congrats and best of luck for a beautiful delivery.

And thanks again for your reassuring words.


Tammy Callis said...

Joni, your fears are completley normal! It all works out though, remember all the different kind of fears you had with the first one? And could Noah and your family turned out any more perfect? In my experience it definitley is different and at times it can be hard to divide your time and give each child your all but remember you are giving both of your children the most precious gift of a sibling. An eternal playmate and friend, what a beautiful thing!

j o n i said...

Thanks, Tammy, for your reassurance and voice of experience--I certainly will be turning to my mama friends of two for guidance and advice! Magnolia and little Gracie are clearly thriving in a household of two...they simply shine! xxoo


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